


the constellations in the night sky are the closest thing i can see to remember you

by alien_in_the_sea



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Jean is not even sad hes mad, M/M, Marco Bodt is dead as usual, Other, Why am I like this? No one knows, and boy it was a turn, and that song is from when I was an angsty kid, and yes those are Avril Lavigne lyrics, canonical death, i don't even know why i wrote this, i never thought i would write this, jeanmarco, just the angst song produced angst fic, not a songfic, when i started writing i never imagined it would take this turn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 08:19:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8394199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alien_in_the_sea/pseuds/alien_in_the_sea
Summary: just very heavy angst about marco's death jean's thoughts during that night when marco's body was burnt





	

**I'm breaking free from these memories**

**Gotta let it go, just let it go**

**I've said goodbye**

**Set it all on fire**

**Gotta let it go, just let it go**

 

The heartbreak that he felt was indescribable. He had lost the only thing that had ever meant anything to him since he first started at the 104th Trainee Squad. He had gone there, looking for glory, for an easy way of living.

Instead, Jean got an annoying bastard and his blonde best friend, a food obsessed girl and a bunch of idiots.

Except for Marco.

Marco was the literal description of an angel. His freckles were more stunning than the clearest night sky. His laugh was the most heavenly of sounds, above any angel’s voice. His lips tasted better than any feast that could be produced by humans. His kisses were softer than a cloud.

So when Jean met Marco, the former was mostly confused at the sight of such a pure and beautiful angel in such a horrible, god-forsaken world, such as the titan-infested one they were to fight.

And maybe that’s why he refused to believe that the body that he found laying by itself, half eaten and most definitely dead was not Marco. He knew for a fact that angels didn’t die, they just flew straight up to heaven.

And even if Marco Bodt was not an angel, his death didn’t truly belong to him. It wasn’t a Marco Bodt death. A Marco Bodt death was peaceful, it was at an old age, with a whole story behind the years. It wasn’t a life cut short by half like the body that belonged to it.

There was something that burnt inside him. It wasn’t guilt or just plain sadness. It wasn’t pain or regret. It was a violent wish to exchange places with Marco. It was a pang of anger that he was the one who got to live while Marco died.

As he watched the pile of bodies burn, his lungs pleaded for him to move away, his skin screamed that he was too close, his eyes cried with the pain of the loss but his body didn’t move. He knew he was going to be fine. He was still away from the burning claws of the blaze but it was close enough to feel the warmth that Marco provided him, even through the tears and the numbness.

His knees gave up and he fell to the floor, although he didn’t quite feel that either. There was a whole that had been ripped out of him. Marco’s eyes, Marco’s hands, his smile, his laugh, his giggles, his freckles, the bridge of his nose, his lips, the constellations that littered his back. Marco’s kindness, Marco’s love. They had all been taken away from him. Ripped away from him. Carved out of him, with a red hot knife that sliced each and every single thing that Jean loved about Marco out of him. Or at least that’s what it felt like.

His hands, while trying to find something to hold on to, came across ashes that once were bones that once belonged to someone. They curled into a fist, his fingers trying to collect as much of the dust into his hands. He looked at the palm of his hands, as the heat made him sweat and his eyes were covered in tears Jean didn’t think he could cry after the river he had wept the previous hours.

He took those ashes as he once had taken Marco’s soft hands.

He took them as Marco had once taken his heart.

He took those ashes and laughed at himself, for being so stupid, those ashes didn’t necessarily come from Marco’s body, there were so many dead comrades being burned tonight.

He laughed at himself as he once would’ve laughed with Marco.

He looked at the night sky, let out a choked out sob and realized that that was the closest thing he would ever have that remotely assimilated his freckles.

He looked at the night sky, saw the same constellations that he once saw in Marco’s face, and realized that maybe, Marco was still with him.

“I can’t seem to let you go, Marco.”

**Author's Note:**

> kudos/comment if you liked it!
> 
> thanks so much for reading!
> 
> also my tumblr is lamstrashaf so cheeky follow if ya want ;)


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